Children of Divorced Parents Are Hurting Too

May 14, 2012 By Leave a Comment

Divorced parents with children have probably heard something along the lines of “kids are tough, they’ll bounce back.” And while I would agree that kids are definitely tough, they don’t always bounce back from their parent’s divorce.

Whether your offspring are 5, 15, or 25 they are hurting. If the death of your marriage was a slow painful death, your children are likely hurting much more than you are. The only exceptions are extremely young children who are not old enough to realize what is happening.

The end of a marriage brings many losses that must be faced. From my experience leading a divorce recovery group I have learned that adults have a very difficult time identifying and properly grieving their losses from divorce. Children can have an even harder time understanding their feelings.

Following is a list of just a few of the things young children and teens of divorced parents are dealing with:

Loss of a parent:

Though the non-custodial parent may still be involved in their lives, most children will resent the decreased time they have with that parent. Remember, your children love both of their parents and you need to acknowledge that loss and allow them the opportunity to grieve.

Loss of security:

Even if your marriage was a constant war zone, your children had a sense of security that both mom and dad were there for them. After the divorce many children will experience a fear that the custodial parent will leave them as well. If your children are expressing these types of fears don’t just dismiss it. Try to reassure them that you are not going to leave them.

Loss of friends:

If the divorce caused you to move away from the children’s home, it is likely that they have had to say goodbye to many close friends. Moving can be difficult for a child under the best of circumstances but, if it is the result of a divorce, your children have lost one of the only support systems they have outside of their family.

Loss of standard of living:

Divorced parents typically have significantly reduced available income for both parties. Your kids may be facing decisions of what to give up if, for instance, you can no longer afford music lessons, gymnastics, or travel sports teams. They may have been accustomed to certain styles of clothes that are no longer an option or they may have to adjust to a large public school after attending a small private school.

This is far from a comprehensive list of the things children of divorced parents are dealing with. Just remember that they are hurting, maybe more than you, and give them the support they need. If your children’s sadness, anger, and poor coping continues for longer than you think is healthy they may need professional help to deal with their feelings.

Filed Under: Divorce Advice, Divorce Advice For Men, Divorce Advice For Women, Parenting Tagged With: , , ,

Advice for Parenting After Divorce

April 29, 2012 By Leave a Comment

Divorce statistics from the US Census Bureau indicate that as many as 61% of divorces involve families with children under 18. Parenting is difficult under the most ideal circumstances, parenting after divorce can seem like an impossible task. In most cases the divorce process is not amicable. The two parents are not on good terms and co-parenting can seem unattainable but for the sake of your children you need to do your best to work with their other parent. This will ease the transition of the children from life as a nuclear family to life with divorced parents.

While not comprehensive and definitely not guaranteed to make parenting after divorce easy, the following tips can greatly increase your effectiveness as parents.

For All Divorced Parents:

  • Your children are hurting as much or more than you are
  • Don’t try to get them to take sides
  • Your children still need two parents involved in their lives
  • Try to make major parenting decisions together
  • Be flexible with visitation schedules when possible
  • Give your kids as much say as possible on when they see their other parent
  • Your children will likely still have hopes of you re-uniting with your ex for years after the divorce
  • Your children may not be supportive of you dating
  • Your children don’t want to hear you bad-mouthing their other parent
  • Your children don’t want to be used as messengers
  • Don’t over-extend yourself financially to maintain all of their pre-divorce activities and lifestyle.

For Custodial Parents:

  • Your children still love and miss the non-custodial parent
  • Keep the non-custodial parent informed of school, sports, and church events
  • Don’t use the excuse that the child support was late for not doing things, even if that is the reason.

For Non-Custodial Parents:

  • Your children want to know you care by spending time with them
  • Your children are hurt deeply if you don’t show up when you are supposed to
  • Don’t substitute money or gifts for spending time with your children
  • Your children want you to come to their school, sports, or church activities
  • Your children want to hear from you regularly even if you can’t be with them
  • You have a moral and legal obligation to pay child support. Just do it.
  • Don’t expect all of your support money to be spent specifically on the kids, That’s not how it works
These are just a few bits of advice for parenting after divorce.  Each situation is different so all of these may not apply in your case, but if you can try to implement as many as possible your children will thank you for it.
God Bless,
GD

 

Filed Under: Dating, Divorce Advice For Men, Divorce Advice For Women, Parenting Tagged With: , , ,

5 Tips For Financial Health After Divorce

April 27, 2011 By Leave a Comment

I am continuing the theme of mistakes people make after divorce.  In this post I will discuss how to maintain your financial health.

For most people coming through a divorce, your finances will take a hit.  Whether your are adjusting from a two income household to a single income household or you are faced with re-entering the workforce after years of being a stay-at-home mom, adjustments must be made.  The following five tips can help keep you on solid financial footing.

  • Create a Budget

It’s the other B-word.  Many of you have never created a budget before let alone lived by one.  It’s really not hard.  The main goal is to list what money you have coming in for a given month and then decide how you are going to spend that money. Check out www.daveramsey.com for budgeting help.

  • No Retail Therapy

There is a huge temptation to splurge on ourselves after a divorce.  For me it was two big purchases.  A home theater system complete with 65″ TV and surround sound and secondly a new motorcycle.   Women seem to be tempted with cosmetic surgery.  Whatever your desires, spending a chunk of money on improving your mood will not have a lasting effect.

  • Avoid Taking On More Debt

Most of you will have some debt left over from the marriage.  Unfortunately this is normal.  The key is to not dig your hole any deeper.  Get rid of your credit cards to avoid the temptation of splurging and definitely don’t borrow money for the big ticket items listed above.

  • Don’t Expect To Keep The House

If your normal you had purchased the most house you could afford on your combined marital income.   Now that you are the sole provider for your household the payment for your marital home probably won’t fit in your newly completed budget.  While it’s not uncommon for neither spouse to want the house because of the (often bad) memories associated with it, sometimes one spouse will want to keep it for the sake of the kids for example.  You should only keep the house if the payment is no more than 25% of your take home pay.  Any more than that will put you in a serious bind.

  • Spend Less Than You Make

Ok, so this one pretty well sums up the others but it is worth giving some dedicated attention.  For most of you this should be common sense, but for some of you this may be a new concept.  Our culture has so embraced debt that it seems like an old-fashioned idea to wait until you have the money to buy something.  If you have to borrow money you are, by definition, spending more money than you are bringing in.

The previous five tips are not profound or revolutionary.  They are really quite simple but it’s not how our society typically handles money.

Please leave a comment and let me know what you think.  Additional materials can be found on the resources page.

God Bless,

G.D.

Filed Under: Divorce Advice For Men, Divorce Advice For Women, Finances, Healing Tagged With: , ,

How Soon Should I Start Dating After Divorce

April 20, 2011 By Leave a Comment

In my last post I addressed how long it typically takes someone to heal after experiencing a divorce.  In this post I will address a very closely related topic: How soon should I start dating after divorce?  Starting to date too soon after a divorce is the single biggest mistake I see people make.  Sure it’s tempting to get back out there in the dating world, but jump the gun and you will only prolong your journey to emotional health.

I understand the pressure, both from within and from others.  After coming through a divorce, especially if it was an unwilling divorce, you most likely feel rejected by your ex-spouse and quite possibly by the entire opposite sex.  You feel an urgency to know that you are desirable, that there is hope that you will one day love again.  The unfortunate truth is that if you re-enter the dating game too soon you can significantly decrease your chances of having a healthy relationship.

When someone loses a spouse to death, the last thing we expect them to do is start dating right away.  We all know they have experienced a profound loss and need time to grieve.  Why then do we expect a new divorcee to immediately look for a new relationship?  As a divorcee you need to grieve the loss of your marriage much like a widow or widower does.

So on to the question.  How soon should you start dating after divorce?

There really isn’t a one-size-fits-all answer to that.  It will largely depend on how long you were married and the depth of your emotional wounds.  If you start dating before letting your emotional wounds heal you will mask the unresolved pain, anger, depression, or ________ (fill in the blank) with the joy of a new relationship.  Left unresolved, these emotions will fester and eventually will come to the surface and demand attention.  This can ruin what you thought was the new love of your life.

What are the signs that you are ready to date?

  • Are you comfortable being single?  If you feel a strong need to date you are probably not ready.  If you approach dating from a position of need you will be likely to overlook warning signs in your dates just to move toward a relationship.
  • Are you over the anger, hate, etc. toward your ex-spouse?  The opposite of love is apathy, not hate.  If you still feel strong negative feelings toward your ex it’s a good sign you are not over the relationship.  You will bring this baggage into any new relationship and it will most likely be short-lived.
  • Has it been at least a year since your divorce was final?  Many experts agree that one year is the minimum time it takes to be ready to date.  Dealing with the pain of anniversaries, birthdays, holidays, etc is something that is best handled before you bring someone else into the picture.

There’s some food for thought on when to start dating.  This advice is completely opposed to the advice you will likely get from well-meaning friends and family, but my 7 years of helping people heal after divorce has shown this to be the right way.

What do you think?  Please leave a comment and tell me.

Check the resources page for addtional help.

God Bless,

G.D.

Filed Under: Dating, Divorce Advice For Men, Divorce Advice For Women, Healing Tagged With: , , ,

How Long Until I Stop Hurting After Divorce?

April 15, 2011 By Leave a Comment

The #1 question I’m asked about healing from a divorce is along the lines of “When will it stop hurting?”  Well, that’s a tough question to answer because the only honest answer is… it depends. 

It depends on a lot of things:

  • How long you were married?
  • Were you the one to leave?
  • Are there children involved?
  • How are you financially?

All of these will contribute to how long it takes to heal after your divorce. 

Relationship Length:

The biggest factor in how long it takes to heal after divorce is how long you were married.  The longer you were married the more intertwined your lives were and the more time it will take to heal.  Experts disagree on exactly much the length of your marriage effects your healing time, but from my experience the time frame that seems to work for most people is 1 year of healing for every 4 years of marriage.

Does this mean you will be an emotional basket case for the entire time?  No, but it does mean that you need to take the losses you’ve experienced seriously or you will more than likey repeat your past mistakes.

I was married for nearly 13 years but had an extended dating/engagement period.  The total relationship time was 18 years. 

18/4=4.5 and it was somewhere between the 4 and 5 year marks that I was truly healed. 

Who Initiated The Divorce?

If you intitiated the divorce your healing time will most likely be shorter.  This isn’t because it effected you any less, but simply because you did much of your grieving before making the decision to divorce.  This is why the person who decides to end the marriage often seems cold and uncaring during the divorce.  They have already distanced themselves from the relationship.

Are There Children Involved?

If there were no children as a result of the marriage your healing time may be shortened. 

The issues of split custody, child support, and grieving children can delay your healing process.  And honestly, if you have children together you will most likely never be completely free of your ex-spouse.  There will always be things bringing you together: birthdays, school programs, athletic events, graduation, marriages, grandchildren, the list goes on….

Finances:

Finances can also play a role in how long it takes you to heal.  If your standard of living decreased significantly because of the divorce your financial situation can serve as a consant reminder of how things were previously.  Some people better themselves financially after a divorce, but for most this is not the case.

In summary, each person is different, but don’t expect the pain to go away overnight.  It takes time to heal after a divorce.  You wouldn’t expect a person who was widowed after many years of marriage to function normally within a few months of their loss.  Neither should you expect to function normally for some time after your divorce.

What is your experience with healing after divorce.  Leave a comment below.

For some helpful resources click here or sign up for our newsletter.

God Bless,

G.D.

Filed Under: Divorce Advice, Healing Tagged With: , ,

Support After Divorce – Who is it for?

April 11, 2011 By Leave a Comment

 

If you are currently going through a divorce or are separated, this site is for you.

If you’ve been divorced for awhile but are struggling to get over it, this site is for you.

If you are divorced and seem to be making the same relationship mistakes over and over, this site is for you.

This site is for anyone struggling with the pain, emotional scars, and roller coaster emotions that accompany divorce.

My goal is to provide time-proven advice that will help you deal with the effects of divorce. You see, I’ve been where you are. I navigated the turbulent waters of divorce largely on my own and with the “help” of well meaning friends. I made many mistakes and learned the hard way, now I want to help you avoid those pitfalls.

So subscribe to the RSS feed or check back often. My goal is to post 2-3 times per week with helpful advice.

Take care and God Bless

G.D.

Filed Under: Divorce Advice, Intro Tagged With:

Welcome to Support After Divorce!

April 5, 2011 By Leave a Comment

Welcome to Support After Divorce.  My name is G.D. Lengacher and if you’ve suffered from the effects of divorce this site is for you.

I’m a divorced father of three and like most who have gone through a divorce, it hit me hard.  I didn’t want the divorce and was hurt deeply but unfortunately there was nothing I could do about it.  I struggled through with the support of family and friends for about a year until I found DivorceCare.  I finally found the help I needed to begin down the road to recovery.

I ended up leading a DivorceCare group for about 6 years and had the opportunity to see many hurting souls find new hope and the strength to face life with a new outlook.

So much of the advice we get from our well meaning friends is just wrong and many of our Churches treat the newly divorced as if they have the plague.

My hope is to provide a resource that provides divorce advice for men and women hurting from divorce with a Christian perspective.

Check back often as new content will be added frequently.  For now you can check out the resource page for some products I found extremely helpful as I was trying to save my marriage and going through a divorce.

God Bless,

GD

Filed Under: Intro Tagged With: